On Saturday afternoon we had a photo shoot for a magazine interview about being a wicked stepmother.
A photo shoot sounds exciting, especially when you’ve never experienced one first hand.
I had visions of a Hello magazine ‘At Home With The Drivers’ style shoot … Me draped on a chaise longue, looking svelte, wearing a long floaty dress (and THE magic pants) … the children, pristine and happy, looking on admiringly … the husband wafting me with a large palm.
It won’t surprise any of you that have been reading for more than a few weeks that it was ABSOFOOKINGLUTELY nothing like that. I can verify that a photo shoot with two adults, a dog, a teenager and two bickering children is worse than applying to Wife Swap and finding out you’ve got Hannibal Lecter as your new husband.
We were told to wear autumnal clothes as the interview will be in the November issue. Wearing our long sleeved tops we went out into the Summer sunshine and pretended to play gaily in the garden for a ‘natural shot’.
It was natural in that the 3 year old wouldn’t cooperate, the 5 year old wanted to growl and the dog wanted to slaver all over the photographer. The teenager, who was the reason for the article in the first place, was exemplary. If I apologised to the, very patient, photographer once I apologised 500 times.
When asked to move from playing cricket to sitting on the slide with his sisters the 3 year old declined. After much cajoling he agreed, but refused to smile. When asked to go back to playing cricket he cried. If he was asked to be in close contact with the 5 year old where they might, god forbid, have to touch he started shouting like an old shouty person. I was so proud.
The only thing that kept me going throughout our 90 minutes from hell was the fact that at 7pm we would be leaving MarMar in charge of our children overnight and going to stay with my sister so we could go out to get shitfaced celebrate my birthday.
Eventually we went inside where all five of us pretended to be happy, if not slightly sweaty on the two seater sofa. The 3 year old tested the theory that if you repeat yourself 50 times a minute you can make your parents ears bleed as he asked if he could play Mario Kart. The husband saved the day by muttering through gritted teeth, “If you all smile I’ll buy you all an ice cream”.
I didn’t get to see any of the pictures but I can guarantee that I, being un-photogenic, will have looked like the elephant woman. There is evidence below that proves that I am only at my best if I am sporting false facial and chest hair.
Note that I had to state ‘false’ there … just in case any of you were wondering.
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Insomniac Mummy on August 20, 2009
The facial hair isn’t real? I feel cheated.
Sounds like real fun……not!
admin on August 20, 2009
I felt cheated when I had to take it off!
English Mum on August 20, 2009
Oh dear. They always let you down when you most need them, don’t they? I’m sure you look fabilis – especially in those pants x
admin on August 20, 2009
Bit disappointed that there weren’t any ‘Linda bush’ dives.
whistlejacket on August 20, 2009
Oh dear, although a photo shoot sounds glamorous I think it’s impossible as soon as there are children (and a dog) around. Looking forward to seeing the pics though!
The taches are great. I prefer neat tache on the right, the one on the left looks a bit itchy. And possibly alive.
admin on August 20, 2009
The one on the left kept falling off. I could get used to the chest hair though …
Anonymous on August 20, 2009
Whatever happened to that well-worn nugget of truth, “Never work with children or animals”?
Or does that just apply to Hollywood actors?
Are you a Hollywood actor perchance? I thought you looked familiar with that ‘tache… Magnum PI anyone??
London City Mum on August 20, 2009
Whatever happened to that well-worn nugget of truth, “Never work with children or animals”?
Or does that just apply to Hollywood actors?
Are you a Hollywood actor perchance? I thought you looked familiar with that ‘tache… Magnum PI anyone??
admin on August 20, 2009
I was such a good Magnum PI, I’m thinking of going to a lookalikey agency to sign up.
Mwa on August 20, 2009
So are they going to paint the trees in autumnal colours? From now on, I’m going to look out for wrong-season-photographs in magazines.
admin on August 20, 2009
I’m going to be looking out too. I reckon green fingered folk would be able to tell the exact month of photo from which flowers were in bloom!
Sparx on August 20, 2009
Yes, what IS it with two year olds and repeating things…? Even if I tell mine that if he asks again, after I have already said ‘yes’ that I will then say ‘no’, he still carries on… sigh…
Thanks for the poo story, I’ve edited you in by the way.
admin on August 21, 2009
It’s a vicious circle. I spend half my life repeating myself … ‘don’t do that’, ‘no’, ‘I’ll think about it’, ‘just a minute’, ‘be kind to your sister/brother’ etc etc that it’s no surprise that they do the same.
CMC on August 21, 2009
You know you’ve MADE IT when you get a family photoshoot! The final version will be photoshopped to perfection – with each kid looking at camera and smiling – don’t worry. You have the clearest complexion i do believe i have ever seen
admin on August 21, 2009
I love your optimism. The reason I haven’t made mention of what magazine it’s in is because I know it will be hideous!
womanatwork on August 21, 2009
I love the Magnum P.I. picture of you. It’s one of my favourites, I particularly like the chest hair protruding from the shirt.
admin on August 21, 2009
I still have that chest hair somewhere .. just waiting for the right moment to wear it. Maybe next time I’m out with you!
Ju on August 22, 2009
That made me LOL. Great family your have. I’m enjoying reading the old posts too.
;D
admin on August 22, 2009
Thanks … glad I made you laugh. I shall be visiting your blog for a read.
A Modern Mother on August 23, 2009
Too funny, can’t wait to see the pics!
Amy on August 24, 2009
So funny. I was interviewed for an article about house cleaning. My 2 year old and I were photographed for the article. The one thing I was sure of is if the picture they chose included me, I would look horrible. And I do. here’s a link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090804/ap_on_re_us/us_spe_housekeeping_clean_enough_1
Claire Lancaster on August 24, 2009
Goold old family fun time – eh?! Your post made me chuckle, the article will be a great addition to the family memories – one way or another! Will keep my eyes peeled for Stepmother features in Autumn! Thanks for sharing. Cx
Tara@Sticky Fingers on September 30, 2009
Just genius! Remind me to never ever volunteer for a magazine article . . .
Jo Beaufoix on September 30, 2009
One of my lecturers at Uni had chest hair like the pic on the left. At first I though it was a polo neck, then I just pretended to myself that it was. You look much prettier than he did lovely. And ack you can rely on kids to do just what you don’t want them to when it’s important can’t you? But I bet the pics will still be gorgeous. Very exciting.